Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
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Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
From my Mom
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium