I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)