The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.