[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Try and stop me.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car