My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed