How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body