“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!