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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
a badder mouse
this isn’t threatening at all
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.