ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My support group can outdrink your support group.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.