Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
You Might Also Like
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW