What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”