I came this close!!!!
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[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
#Caturday
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
The honesty is refreshing
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.