if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I have two kinds of followers
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
What’s so funny?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die