I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me recordaron éste meme
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
You’ll be OK
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]