Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK