cat faces on other animals, a thread
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.