I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.