*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
scrabbled eggs
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?