Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
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My dog learned how to text
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?