worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
You Might Also Like
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes