My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
WWE is French for “yes”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
this is the news I live for
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his