Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
You Might Also Like
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<