My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Pickled cat.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.