Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Husband of the year 😂
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
This is hilarious….