My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
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Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
this is literally a CIA plant
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.