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My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single