Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.