Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M