My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.