Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.