My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!