*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
You Might Also Like
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Golf would be better with landmines.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.