HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
584.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal