If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
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Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”