No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Any refunds available?…
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.