[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Cheers Twitter.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.