I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.