Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
live, laugh, laundry.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.