Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
You Might Also Like
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.