Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
oh shit
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Found the job I’m suited for
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.