me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
the battle rages on
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea