I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?