i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it