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Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
🤣🤣🤣
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!