Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
that’s really how it is
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?