the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
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kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?