a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
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Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I told my vodka about you.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender