feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face