Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.