The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.